Broken

This past weekend was very difficult.

The Lord has been slowly breaking me over the past two weeks to what escalated out of control on Sunday. I became Burned Out!

I became so overwhelmed by trying to please people by the things I do, the words I say, the time I spend with them. It was brought to my attention that I have been living under a performance based mentality that has affected every aspect of my life. My relationship with my friends has been based on a feeling of need to appear as though I am this perfect Christian. My relationship with everyone has been a very thick mirage of perfection that is covering such a confused and broken person.

The Lord is revealing so many of my incorrect views of Him. I have been living as though the Lord's approval of me increases greatly according to my level of obedience to him. I have had an incorrect view of the Spirit. I will always say that the Spirit is doing the good works in me, but deep down I take credit for any 'good' deeds. Because of this incorrect view of the Spirit, I have been relying solely on my own power to be obedient to the Lord. I have been so overwhelmed by needing to be good enough, because a true believer bears fruit. I have yet to understand at the heart level, Ephesians 2:8-10. "8For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." I have previously understood this verse to say that:

a. I'm saved by grace (check)

b. God gave me the gift of grace (check)

c. God prepared good works for me (check)

d. I have to be obedient by my power and do everything or else I'm not a true believer. (UNCHECK)

I still cannot comprehend at a heart level the truth of Grace directly correlated with my position with Christ (justified.) I believe my difficulty in believing this truth is because there are no strings attached. I do not find any examples in the real world where such a beautiful act of mercy, grace, and kindness has been granted with out strings attached.

I plead that my obedience comes when I recognize grace for what it is and then truly use the correct definition of Lord. I want to feel as though I OWE my life to Christ.

Over the past two weeks the Lord has revealed that I am viewing my relationship with him as an existence to get what I want. I have been seeing myself as Primary and Jesus as secondary. I have been wanting others to worship me, because I am primary. I'm such a good, nice, kind, gentle, peaceful, ...etc. etc. person that deserves to be worshiped. This has even extended to how I have communicated to God at a heart level. In my heart I have thought that God should give me things and even that he should give me Jesus. I have had this incorrect view of who is primary and who is secondary. I have been feeling as though I do not Owe God anything which has completely skewed my understanding of works.

I have been doing works so that God could love me more. I have been trying to gain his approval and acceptance by being obedient. I have been trying to manipulate God by trying to Gain his approval, because I recognize his Power and ability to give me things. But at the same time I have believe that I have more glory that him. I have had no fear of the Lord. I would tell him that I fear him, but in reality it was putting on a mask for my creator. I have been seeking to be a puppet that was doing the right things and that he wouldn't know the difference.

The masks have continued into all of my relationships. I try to search for what I think someone wants me to be, and then I BE that person. It disgusts me how shallow I have been.

Relationships that I seek to find the perfect mask:

God

Casey

Casey's family

My family
My roommates

Those older than me

Each new person I meet

I can now recognize now that my past experiences of depression have been due to this incorrect view of God and my role in relationships. I have been relying on my own power and not the Power of the Spirit. It makes sense that I have been so burned out in the past which has lead to depression, because I am failing and can not go any further on my own strength. It is obvious that I can not Be obedient on my own strength.

I am so blessed to meet with a group of guys in the mornings during the week. Today was another form of teaching from the Lord.

Jesus, help me. I can do nothing on my own. Obedience grows me no closer to you or increases your love for me more. I do want to feel as though I Owe you, because of your death on the Cross. Help me see and believe the Gospel for what it really is. I am BROKEN. I do not know how to fix my brokenness. I do not truly believe I am deserving of hell and do not truly believe that you are so majestic, holy, beautiful, loving, merciful, kind, etc. etc. Help my unbelief. I know I can't do anything to change my heart. I need you. I need you to work in me. I want to surrender everything to you. I want to truly become a bond servant to you. I can not do that, because I do not feel as though I owe you. Lord, help me. Help me see the Gospel. Lord, I do not want to say to others "I believe with all my heart," because that is where my problem stemmed from. I would acknowledge that i understand intellectually in hopes that my heart would follow shortly behind. Father I don't know how long I have been hoping that my heart would catch up. It hasn't caught up. This had caused a more frequent saying "I believe" due to my performance based relationships with everyone, including you.
Lord, in my raw brokenness and honesty now. I confess to you that I have been merely doing. I have claimed Abraham as my father and spoke the truths from my intellect. Lord, I want to believe your truth at the heart level. I want to surrender all I am to you.

And he (Abraham) believed the Lord and he counted it to him as righteousness. (Genesis 15:6)

Abraham was counted righteous!!!!! Set apart. Holy. synonymous with God, righteous!

Why?

Because, he Believed the Lord.

It wasn't because he DID anything!

It was NOT: Abraham was obedient so it was counted righteous to him.

Now.....we have the ultimate savior!

Jesus Christ.

And now it is Christ whose death credits us with righteousness!

Lord help my view of justification and salvation to be based on the finished work on the Cross Alone.

May I find my identity in you ALONE. May my belief in you alone cause my heart to worship you. It is because of You that I am

Lord,

Teach me Romans 4:13-25