Competition in the Church

How often have I been competing?

With whom have been competing?

Why have I been competing?

Am I competing now?

I have been living under a works based faith looks as though I know the "right" things to say to appear that I am humbly broken by the Cross and living in Grace. I have been deceiving myself. I've been listening to the master of deception.

Because of this competition, I have been believing that I needed to 'progress/be sanctified' at such a fast pace. I took sanctification as a challenge. I wanted to be the best that I could be.

It frightens me to think how many other people grew up in the Church and seeing this performance based faith. How many sought to know more or show that they Love more. How many fell away from the Church, because it was hopeless to ever love God more than "that person" or to serve God more often that "that person?"

Or even, How many people went to a different church, because they were more respected at this new church? Maybe they were the best worship singer this church had. Maybe they were the best servant this other church had.

How many grew up in church and saw it as nothing more that a group of friends they were not as good as so they left to be 'more important' to another group of people?

Everyone wants to be accepted by someone. How many felt as though they were not accepted by those in the Church, because they didn't pray good enough, know enough scripture, serve as often.

My experience in the church was that it was a competition. I wanted to be a better 'christian' than everyone else.

Why? so that I could be more respected.

Broken

This past weekend was very difficult.

The Lord has been slowly breaking me over the past two weeks to what escalated out of control on Sunday. I became Burned Out!

I became so overwhelmed by trying to please people by the things I do, the words I say, the time I spend with them. It was brought to my attention that I have been living under a performance based mentality that has affected every aspect of my life. My relationship with my friends has been based on a feeling of need to appear as though I am this perfect Christian. My relationship with everyone has been a very thick mirage of perfection that is covering such a confused and broken person.

The Lord is revealing so many of my incorrect views of Him. I have been living as though the Lord's approval of me increases greatly according to my level of obedience to him. I have had an incorrect view of the Spirit. I will always say that the Spirit is doing the good works in me, but deep down I take credit for any 'good' deeds. Because of this incorrect view of the Spirit, I have been relying solely on my own power to be obedient to the Lord. I have been so overwhelmed by needing to be good enough, because a true believer bears fruit. I have yet to understand at the heart level, Ephesians 2:8-10. "8For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." I have previously understood this verse to say that:

a. I'm saved by grace (check)

b. God gave me the gift of grace (check)

c. God prepared good works for me (check)

d. I have to be obedient by my power and do everything or else I'm not a true believer. (UNCHECK)

I still cannot comprehend at a heart level the truth of Grace directly correlated with my position with Christ (justified.) I believe my difficulty in believing this truth is because there are no strings attached. I do not find any examples in the real world where such a beautiful act of mercy, grace, and kindness has been granted with out strings attached.

I plead that my obedience comes when I recognize grace for what it is and then truly use the correct definition of Lord. I want to feel as though I OWE my life to Christ.

Over the past two weeks the Lord has revealed that I am viewing my relationship with him as an existence to get what I want. I have been seeing myself as Primary and Jesus as secondary. I have been wanting others to worship me, because I am primary. I'm such a good, nice, kind, gentle, peaceful, ...etc. etc. person that deserves to be worshiped. This has even extended to how I have communicated to God at a heart level. In my heart I have thought that God should give me things and even that he should give me Jesus. I have had this incorrect view of who is primary and who is secondary. I have been feeling as though I do not Owe God anything which has completely skewed my understanding of works.

I have been doing works so that God could love me more. I have been trying to gain his approval and acceptance by being obedient. I have been trying to manipulate God by trying to Gain his approval, because I recognize his Power and ability to give me things. But at the same time I have believe that I have more glory that him. I have had no fear of the Lord. I would tell him that I fear him, but in reality it was putting on a mask for my creator. I have been seeking to be a puppet that was doing the right things and that he wouldn't know the difference.

The masks have continued into all of my relationships. I try to search for what I think someone wants me to be, and then I BE that person. It disgusts me how shallow I have been.

Relationships that I seek to find the perfect mask:

God

Casey

Casey's family

My family
My roommates

Those older than me

Each new person I meet

I can now recognize now that my past experiences of depression have been due to this incorrect view of God and my role in relationships. I have been relying on my own power and not the Power of the Spirit. It makes sense that I have been so burned out in the past which has lead to depression, because I am failing and can not go any further on my own strength. It is obvious that I can not Be obedient on my own strength.

I am so blessed to meet with a group of guys in the mornings during the week. Today was another form of teaching from the Lord.

Jesus, help me. I can do nothing on my own. Obedience grows me no closer to you or increases your love for me more. I do want to feel as though I Owe you, because of your death on the Cross. Help me see and believe the Gospel for what it really is. I am BROKEN. I do not know how to fix my brokenness. I do not truly believe I am deserving of hell and do not truly believe that you are so majestic, holy, beautiful, loving, merciful, kind, etc. etc. Help my unbelief. I know I can't do anything to change my heart. I need you. I need you to work in me. I want to surrender everything to you. I want to truly become a bond servant to you. I can not do that, because I do not feel as though I owe you. Lord, help me. Help me see the Gospel. Lord, I do not want to say to others "I believe with all my heart," because that is where my problem stemmed from. I would acknowledge that i understand intellectually in hopes that my heart would follow shortly behind. Father I don't know how long I have been hoping that my heart would catch up. It hasn't caught up. This had caused a more frequent saying "I believe" due to my performance based relationships with everyone, including you.
Lord, in my raw brokenness and honesty now. I confess to you that I have been merely doing. I have claimed Abraham as my father and spoke the truths from my intellect. Lord, I want to believe your truth at the heart level. I want to surrender all I am to you.

And he (Abraham) believed the Lord and he counted it to him as righteousness. (Genesis 15:6)

Abraham was counted righteous!!!!! Set apart. Holy. synonymous with God, righteous!

Why?

Because, he Believed the Lord.

It wasn't because he DID anything!

It was NOT: Abraham was obedient so it was counted righteous to him.

Now.....we have the ultimate savior!

Jesus Christ.

And now it is Christ whose death credits us with righteousness!

Lord help my view of justification and salvation to be based on the finished work on the Cross Alone.

May I find my identity in you ALONE. May my belief in you alone cause my heart to worship you. It is because of You that I am

Lord,

Teach me Romans 4:13-25

The City

I am currently in "The City"
Briefing in Chicago went well. I've really gotten to know my team well through Chicago, but more importantly through all the experiences I have had over the past few Long days.
My flight to Asia was with few problems as we arrived safely Tuesday night (Late Asia Time)
I am currently in an internet cafe which is pretty small, but air conditioned. We are staying in a type of hostel that is fairly nice. Each room has air conditioning so we are very thankful for that. We visited a univeristy today but did not stay long due to the V.P. not being available today. We are heading out tomorrow for a visit with him.
I have had a rough time taking in all the emotions I '[should] have' experienced. I cannot seem to grasp everything I have seen. I think I am too afraid to let myself take it all in. I know it will be difficult and heart-wrenting.
I've surprisingly met some people from various parts of the world here. Not something I expected.

Things to Look foward to...?

To my fellow servants of Christ this summer:

The Lord reminded me about something yesterday. Take each day as a day to enjoy the Lord, reflect his image, and share his Love and Salvation. Regardless of where(geographically) we are it is still our call to Love. My prayer and challenge is to not get too overtaken by the emotions of excitement that may cause our minds to lose focus of our daily life of evangelism. Wait patiently in the Lord for the time to come; eagarly seek the Lord with gladness.

I'm not sure about most people, but I continually 'need' one or more things ahead of me that cause excitement and a purpose in life. For example, Yesterday I got my hair cut, went shopping for an italian dinner and cooked an italian dinner last night to help raise money for a friend. This Saturday is my last day of work for almost 2 months, another italian dinner for a friend. Monday, around 7:15 p.m., I will be done with school. Tuesday I will be driving back home, stopping at my grandparents house on the way back to get lunch with them. Friday early morning I am heading to Chicago with some friends.....then....Project begins.

All of these 'events' cause excitement for me. I look ahead to these things and then once they are over I can see that they were not fulfilling. Don't get me wrong they will be 'fun' but not of that which I should have me hope set upon. Why is it that I always seek things and activites to gain happiness from.

1 Peter 1: 13-21

My hope should be FULLY set upong the result of the Cross

1 Peter 1:3-9

We have a LIVING Hope through the resurrection Jesus Christ from the dead!

Our King died from us and litterally conquered death. He reigns now and forever!

Rejoice oh Children of God!

Let us focus on the Cross, Loving God and Loving People (all people, not just those that are easy to love....Luke 6)

Enjoy what the Lord has graciously given us worshipping the Creator not the created.

Life in Sin

What is Sin?

Great question.  I've looked for a precise definition.

Origins of the word refer to missing the mark, or missing the target.

Romans 5

v.12 says that sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin.

v.13 sin was indeed in the world before the law was given, but sin is not counted where there is no law

This focuses back on Genisis  3.  The fall which lead to pain, suffering, and death.

Romans 3

v. 10-12 (Cited from Ps. 14:1-3)

None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands;

no one seeks for God.

All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;

no one does good,

not even one.

2 Cor. 5:21  "For OUR sake He made Him to be sin who knew no sin so that we might become the righteousness of God.

atonement and justification.  ahh  bible/church words.  But they are much more than that.

This verse shows how we are freed from the power and penalty of sin.

A ton of questions right now.....I'll finish this post at a later Date

Questions referring to Romans 5:13.  In relation to what is sin?  and back to genesis and the fall.  Sin is anything unrighteous, but what is that?  Is it all summed in the moral law of the Ten Commandments?  Why did Adam and eve become ashamed that they were naked?  Was nudity unrighteous?  Or was it befor ethe fall?  After Adam and Eve sinned both of their eyes were opened.  Opened to what?  I would suppose the difference between good and evil.  Is it so?  Why at that point did they run to sew fig leaves together because they were ashamed?  The serpant says that they will be like God knowing good and evil.  Is that true?  It surely enticed Eve.

Summer 2009

I am travelling to South East Asia this summer.

I desire prayer for my team and myself.

91% of my support is raised!!! :)

I leave in 30 days!

Prayer Requests:

*Each small detail of the Project

*Hearts of us going- that they be in complete humility, total surrender, and love of the Holy Spirit

*Many Conversations to be held regarding the Gospel

*Hearts of those we talk to- that God is working in their lives currently, stirring them up to be harvested

*The Support of my team and myself

*The staff members going- Ryan, Mike, Nick, Andrea, Ryan's family& nanny

*The students going- Abigail, Wade, Stephen, Matthew, Jacintha, James, Avery, Carolyn, Rebekah, Brady, Joby, Meghan, Jessie, Dayna, Aaron, Scott

*Our travel arragements

*Team Unity- that all of us will be the good neighbor and be caused to walk in the Spirit being Open, Honest, and Transparent. James 5:16

Surrender

God is good, I am a sinner! I am the worst choice to be called one of His own. He did it anyway.
Praise God for his Truth in the scriptures.

Our faith is not just a belief in the unknown. It requires a surrender!

Luke 3, John surrenders his life for the preparation of the way of the Lord.
Luke 4:1-13, Jesus surrenders his OWN glory by being obedient to the scriptures when being tempted by satan.
Luke 4:14-15, Jesus begins his ministry surrendering His will for his Father.
Luke 4:16-30, Jesus surrenders his pride and acceptance for the Truth of the Word.
Luke 5:1-11, Simon, James, and John surrendered their occupations and left everything for the sake of Christ.
Luke 5:12-16, the Leper surrendered public humiliation and pride to be healed by Jesus.
Luke 5: 17-26 the 3 FRIENDS surrendered their time, energy, humiliation all for one paralytic man in need of healing.
Luke5:27-28, Levi surrenders his high paying, greatly feared, stable occupation as a tax collector to follow Christ.
Luke 6:6-11, a man with a withered hand surrendered humiliation and put his faith to the test for Jesus to heal him.
Luke 7:1-10, The Centurion (a Roman (gentile) commander of 100 men) surrendered his good terms with the Jewish elders, his status as a Centurion, and his time to Christ in humility knowing Jesus was the Messiah to heal his servant with out even being near him.
Luke7:11-17, 36-50
Luke 8:40-48
Luke 9:1-6, 10-17, 57-62
Luke 10:1-12, response to the surrender 17-20, 25-37
Luke 12:8-12, 13-21(not everyone is called to give all his money away, but give what hinders his relationship with Christ)
Luke 13:10-17
Luke 14:25-33
Luke 15:1-7, 8-10, 11-32
Luke 18:1-8, 18-31 (not everyone is called to give all his money away, but give what hinders his relationship with Christ), 35-43
Luke 19:28-40
Luke 21:1-4
Luke 22:39-46
Luke 23:18-49

The List can go on and on.
What am I surrendering to make my faith, true faith.
If I really believe what I believe, am I living like it?
Am I more about _______ or Jesus?
-acceptance
-money
-confidence
-security
-comfortableness
-success in sports
-success in studies
-success in ministry

In what ways has the Lord sanctified me by the Holy Spirit where I have surrendered to Him?
In what areas have I not surrendered to completely to Him?.......Why? Do I not trust His Word?
1 Peter 1:3-9 (esp 7-9)
James 1
Success, money, acceptance, confidence, security, etc. are not our rewards for our faith....the reward is in heavan.
Granted we are blessed by God in many ways on earth as well.